Taste the Rainbow

Best candy behind Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? Skittles. Hands down. (I don't really know if they are in the same candy class. Chocolate and PB are not on the same level as a fruit party in my mouth. Both are equally deelish though. Oral-gasmic if I do say so myself)


There's a difference between the two though. All Reese's are created equal. (equally tasty..) Skittles throw some bullshit at me though.

Purple and Orange Skittles.

Terrible. Straight garbage. The guy who invented those two flavors deserves a junk punch. They are the reason why I can't be monogamous with Skittles in the fruit variety of candy. I know some people like both the orange and purple Skittles, actually find them quite refreshing. You know who those people are? Dumb. (Sorry if you fit into that category. get some new taste buds and then we can be friends) I hate them almost as much as I hate Tyler Hansborough's eyes. (See Donkey Punch from past blogs) I guess to be fair to the crappy Skittles guy, I also hate orange flavored Starburst. If I wanted orange flavor, I'd eat a damn orange. (Cherry and Strawberry are soooo much better when they are artificially flavored. You know I'm right)


So to the dick-hole invented shitty flavors, I say good day.

Them Jeans...

Long time no blog. Apologies. Life has been a bit hectic. Which is what this post is about. Right now there are certain aspects of my life that I wish were different, wish I could change, but everyone has those, right? ANYWHOO...


You know that one pair of jeans that you see and you HAVE TO HAVE BECAUSE GIRRRRRRL THEY GONNA LOOK SO GOOD ON ME!!! (Thats totally how I talk too...) And I mean..they do look good on, or so I think. I got the booty going (It doesn't really take much for me to get that going though..) just struttin' my stuff down the street lookin all good. But whats going on behind the seams of those jeans (haha seams...kinda like scenes..anyways). They look good to the outside eye, but in all reality, they are a disaster waiting to happen. Like muffin top disguised under a flowy shirt, and you know that spot that gets all worn out where your thighs rub? (you understand if you have thighs like mine. My step-dad calls me thunder thighs. That was nice to grow up to.) Well that fabric is long gone, even after your mom has patched them a time or two (or five...) but you're the only one who knows that these pants are about to go to hell. Just don't bend down too much, or try to squat..but they look fine in the mirror...


Yeah, thats a certain aspect of my life right now. Looks great from the outside, but is all kinds of wrong that people don't see. I can't afford new pants either. Completely unrelated, but this is actually happening to my jeans too, which succcccckkks. (except the muffin top part..I don't have that. Maybe I should just buy pajama jeans. Those look nice. And no one can tell that they're actually a stretchy, lounge pants material. Yeah...those will work..and they come with some free t-shirts. Boss.)


Sorry for the depressing post..I tried to turn it into something funny? Not my best attempt


On a ligher note, I got a high score on a test! It was to find out if I had ADD/ADHD. High score. Still counts. Now I need to be diagnosed with CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) and I'll have a hall pass at work for naps and red rover (that would be the perfect life..get me some fooseball in there too..)


Here's a picture I drew during a meeting at work.

DON'T put a ring on it...

Ahh adult life. Graduating college. Growing up. Moving to new homes. Getting married. Wait...roll that back.


Getting married?!


I'm 22 years old, is marriage something I should really be thinking about right now? No. I should be thinking about how the hell I'm going to pay the rent as a server (unless I can talk my landlord into accepting delicious Italian food....) not to mention starting to pay student loans in December (shaking fist in anger). It's not like I HAVEN'T thought about getting married, I'm a girl for god sakes, most of us have been wedding planning since we were three. But I'm not about to get married right out of college. WHO HAS THE MONEY FOR THAT?!!!?! But props to the people who do I guess, and the ones that make it actually work, more power to you. On to the real rant though..


Two signs you shouldn't be getting married:
1) If I can't tell if you're wearing a prom dress or a wedding dress -- my first response to that situation: really?? REALLY?? really...*sigh* Are you really going have no regrets when you're 50 and show your potential kids the pictures from your wedding ("Look kids! Mommy had her wedding dress bedazzled!") I'm not saying sparkly is bad at all (I love sparkly things..thanks ADHD) but there's a limit on why type of jewels we're talking about, and there has to be a limit. Like I said, if it looks like something you pull off the rack at Von Maur (Or for us Western Iowans, JC Penney's) then you probably shouldn't be wearing it to your wedding. Just saying.


2) If your wedding album on FB is titled "~~**My WeDdInG!!**~~


....This one is pretty self-explanitory. If I have to explain what's wrong with this, you're one of those people.


I'm not saying marriage is wrong. Do whatever you want. I don't care. As long as I'm invited I'm cool. I tear a dance floor up. I was born for wedding receptions. I leave you with this:


Two reasons to get married (According to Gabi Miller)
1) Cake
2) Open Bar

Nickname Contest!

So, it has recently come to my attention that a few nick names have been invented for my by the few that read this blog on occasion. Thats pretty neat! (Please, Please, Please check out "Neature Walk" on youtube. totally worth it.) Some of the few are Rubber, and Mands. I'm looking for something a little more creative. Winner gets a prize!


....Lets be honest. It'll pry just be a butt pat or high five. But then you get to come in contact with my magical man hands..so it might be worth it.

It's not that hard..

I don't understand. I just do NOT get it.

Disclaimer: If you're not in the mood for a rant, then leave now. On second thought, why'd you even come to this blog then? All this blog is just me ranting. Dumb on your part.


Here I am, enjoying a nice evening of television, mindlessly staring off into the abyss. Then something really toasts my muffin. The movie "Shark Night 3D" is the next big thriller. Massive amounts of sharks descend on a group of friends partying for the weekend. (In order to even think of survival in a scary movie, you have to remember the rules. 1) Don't have sex. 2) I don't remember the rest, but not having sex is a big one. Anyone who has sex in a scary movie is 100% likely to die)


Rant time: Most scary movies have a villain that you can't escape. All the good ones do anyway. But Shark Night? SHARKS ARE THE MONSTERS?! How hard is it to escape a shark? They don't hide under your bed, or in the closet. They can't chase you into the woods. They can only survive in water. So how hard is it to escape a shark? Get out of the damn water.

Boom. Movie over.

But no, these kids are dumb. They go back in.

I just don't understand...Why America? Why would you see this movie. Why would you make this movie? Step up your game a bit..

Braaaaaaiiiinnnnnss

It's official. The zombie apocalypse is coming.

Thats what I decided today anyways during photography. How else do you explain all this crazy shit thats happening in the world. First an earthquake in Haiti. Then a bunch of fish die. Wham bam Japan is a messed up with a tsunami. The only reasonable explanation is an impending zombie outbreak. I'm convinced that it will start at my college too. Wartburg is a pretty small place, so I know quite a few people.  Over the past few weeks I've come to notice that people are becoming sick. (I know you're saying "Gabi, they just have the flu, it's that time of the year.") Well, you want to know my thoughts? The first stage is denial. If you aren't going to be prepared for people trying to eat you alive, then that's your problem. I tried to warn you. Even I've noticed the effects (I'm starting to turn into one, but I got antibiotics, so I'll be fine).

So during photography we had a short break, I walked upstairs to get a drink, and I run into a classmate. But he doesn't seem right. His mouth is somewhat slack-jawed, eyes glazed over, and staggering about. First stage zombie for sure. Called it as soon as I saw it. I wont be surprised when I start hearing a call for brains soon. And not in the way of a academic student who could be termed at a "brain," but for straight up brains. Like the stuff in your skull.

So prepare yourself. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Grab your powdered food (you do have that stocked, right? I mean COME ON, everyone has powdered food nowadays) and load up your sawed off shot gun. Zombie season is close upon us.

Disclaimer: I don't believe zombies are actually coming. But if they were I'm TOTALLY prepared. I've seen so many zombie movies that survival will basically be second nature to me. And it's not like I have a survival guide either in case of a zombie war/apocalypse...........

Pubescent Darth

Yes, you read that title right. Pubescent Darth. As in Vader. Yeah, I sound like him if he was going through puberty. At 22 years old. I haven't had a solid voice for the past 3 weeks.

I think I left it in Panama City, after a week of excessive drinking (Spring Break, don't judge me. We've all been there). Ever since that unforgettable week, I've sounded like a 13 year old boy. Not exactly the way you want to sound if you're trying to pick up a guy (not that I'm trying to do that...I'm just giving an example...) No matter what I do, this golden voice wont return. OK...I'll be honest. I have a pretty deep voice anyways, so I always sound like a man (see Man Hands post...I promise those are my only manly qualities, besides my swearing) It's been a rough couple of weeks with this voice. All I need to complete the outfit is the mask and a light saber. My birthday is on the 13th, so I expect both in the mail very soon. Otherwise I'll use the force..

Demon Seed: Part 1

First of all, I'd like to say God bless my mom for not drowning me when I was younger. It's truly remarkable that I'm alive after the shit I pulled in my household through adolescence. If I would write about all my antics in one post, we'd be here for days. So I'm going to break it up a little bit.

I think things started to go down hill the second my mother gave birth to my twin sister and I. It wasn't easy, Dani came out with her umbilical chord wrapped around her neck, and I came out feet first. Needless to say, my mom and the doctors arm got REAAAAAAL aquainted (gross right?) After that all hell broke loose. Dani and I hated each other until we were 18, but yet we were still attached at the hip (not really but wouldn't that be cool?) We did everything together, which usually ended up like this.

Dani (sobbing): MOM, GABI HIT ME!!!!
Mom (all-knowing): Well Dani, did you hit her first?
Dani (avoiding eye contact, shifting her weight back and forth): Well yeah, but she hits harder!
Mom (eye-rolling): You get what you deserve. Now go apologize to your sister.

There's always perks to being the last kid popped out. Mom deals with a lot of my bullshit because I'm the baby. And I milk that shit for all it's worth. I refused to be potty trained. Mom had to buy me rubber pants (I wish I knew what I looked like in them, I'm going to imagine it was pretty awesome.) But rubber pants be damned, I would not use the toilet like a normal child. Refused it. Mom sat me down on the training potty for 45 mintues. Nothing. I just sat there. Finally, Mom is fed up. Throws her hands in the air and yells "Damnit if you're not going to pee then just forget it!" Proceeds to pull up my awesome rubber pants. At this point in time, I look her dead in the eye, start smirking and say in a bitchy little tone:

"Mom, I'm peeing"

Donkey Punch

Really, there aren't that may people that I hate in my life. I dislike a few people, but overall I'm a pretty tolerant person. Except of one person. I don't know why, but I HATE this man.

Tyler Hansborough

I hate him with a fire-y passion that burns deep within my soul. And I have no idea why. But I hate him. A lot. Have you ever taken a close look at him? Those eyes?! I've told multiple people this, and feel free to use it yourself, giving me proper credit of course, but he looks like he's been donkey punched, and his eyes never returned to the correct way eyes should look. They are all crazy bug-eyed. It creeps me out. I don't think he blinks either. I'm not a doctor, or a scientist, but I was a bio major for one regrettable year of my life, so I think this gives me enough background to diagnose his eye issue. I guess he is an o.k. basketball player, but all that is overshadowed by his lack of blinking, normal eyes. If there is an actual medical problem that causes this, then I'll kinda feel bad. Only kinda though. I feel as if I would ever meet him in real life, I might try to punch him square in the face. This is the only logical way to set his eyeballs to the correct depth in his eye sockets. Like I said, I was a bio major for a year. I know what I'm talking about.

Also, I'd really just like to punch him in the face.

Super Bowl

You know what I just realized? I'd be pissed if I was the guy that shines the Vince Lombardi trophy. Like, you take allllll that time to make sure it looks perfect for presentation. No smudges, no finger prints. nothing. Then the then second procession through the winning team and BAM! Smudges all up in that trophies business. Someone worked hard on making that presentable. Respect that.

The only reason I'm not asleep right now is because Glee starts again. So lets move on past the smudginess and get to the GLEE!

P.S. Aaaron Rodgers just won a car for being MVP. I hope it gets smudged up.

Man Hands

I didn't have any weird dreams last night, which is quite alarming since 1) I ate Chinese food and b) I watched a dinosaur show before I went to bed.(dinosaurs are awesome) And I got nothing. NOTHING. A bit disappointing to say the very least. So I had to come up with something...

Man hands.

Do you know what it's like to be a girl with man hands? I do. It's not pleasant. Sure, I can do lots of cool stuff like...umm....ok hands are hands. But they do look pretty cool when I do my velociraptor impression. (someday when I'm cool I'll post a picture of it. Until that day, I'm sure imagination will suffice) But thanks to this genetic mutation(thanks mom and dad) I can't paint my nails, wear rings, get a cute pair of gloves, or anything like that. You know why? Because it looks like a man is trying to wear them. It just doesn't work out well. Meeting people is awkward too. I go to shake their hand, and once they grasp mine, their eyes widen a bit, and try to sneek a peek at what they're dealing with. I also get the lovely nicknames like Meathooks or Banana Hands. I don't even know what that means. I've also gotten a few handjob jokes. THAT'S a great first impression...I'll admit, I laugh at the man hands episode of Seinfeld, but I die a little inside every time I do..

Ok, not really. But still. It kinda stinks. At least I have good hair.

I have rekindled an old flame

And that flame burns bright for one thing.

Chinese food.

Once I get the hankering for it, theres no stopping me. I'm like one of those kids at the park, you know the really annoying, screaming ones? Yeah, thats me until I get chinese food. It consumes me. Thank god I had a quick outlet tonight.

My friend Nick and I always eat together on Wednesday nights, our tradition. This evening we decided on Chinese, thank god (it ended the chance of me sobbing for chinese on days end). Our friend Nate came along too. One thing I learned at this dinner, is to not talk about your lady parts in front of guys. Nate almost threw up on two separate occasions. (I'm saying it was in the general conversation of lady parts, not just MY lady parts. and I'm sticking to that.) Upon hindsight of this conversation, I realize "Hey Gabi, maybe that is why you don't have a boyfriend." Then I immediately threw that thought to the wind. I'm awesome. If a man cant take a conversation about people feeling my uterus, then I don't know if you can really call him a man. Regardless of this all, I'm sure I'm going to have an awesome dream tonight thanks to the Chinese. So you have that to look forward to.

P.S. for some reason, my couch smells like feet.

I'm baaaack

No, I'm not dead. 


I've just been really busy avoiding doing anything other than what I have to do for classes. College may be the best years of your life, but the last semester sucks balls. So much stress, finding a job, passing my classes, etc that I've just been putting new posts off. I've had some weird dreams, don't get me wrong, just haven't transcribed them into word form


But to the point. I've decided that yeah, a blog about my dreams is cool, but I like to say lots of stuff! So basically I'm going to write about things that I think are funny. I think I'm funny. So why not write about myself? I can also thank starting up this blog again to Hyperbole and a half. Check it out. Pure comedy


www.hyperboleandahalf.com


So hopefully, if you're still following this, a lot more posts will be coming your way, and a few more laughs will be coming to your life.