First of all, I'd like to say God bless my mom for not drowning me when I was younger. It's truly remarkable that I'm alive after the shit I pulled in my household through adolescence. If I would write about all my antics in one post, we'd be here for days. So I'm going to break it up a little bit.
I think things started to go down hill the second my mother gave birth to my twin sister and I. It wasn't easy, Dani came out with her umbilical chord wrapped around her neck, and I came out feet first. Needless to say, my mom and the doctors arm got REAAAAAAL aquainted (gross right?) After that all hell broke loose. Dani and I hated each other until we were 18, but yet we were still attached at the hip (not really but wouldn't that be cool?) We did everything together, which usually ended up like this.
Dani (sobbing): MOM, GABI HIT ME!!!!
Mom (all-knowing): Well Dani, did you hit her first?
Dani (avoiding eye contact, shifting her weight back and forth): Well yeah, but she hits harder!
Mom (eye-rolling): You get what you deserve. Now go apologize to your sister.
There's always perks to being the last kid popped out. Mom deals with a lot of my bullshit because I'm the baby. And I milk that shit for all it's worth. I refused to be potty trained. Mom had to buy me rubber pants (I wish I knew what I looked like in them, I'm going to imagine it was pretty awesome.) But rubber pants be damned, I would not use the toilet like a normal child. Refused it. Mom sat me down on the training potty for 45 mintues. Nothing. I just sat there. Finally, Mom is fed up. Throws her hands in the air and yells "Damnit if you're not going to pee then just forget it!" Proceeds to pull up my awesome rubber pants. At this point in time, I look her dead in the eye, start smirking and say in a bitchy little tone:
"Mom, I'm peeing"
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