Is that what turtles really look like??

What is going on with my dreams? This is the second time in a week that I've been trying to date one of my guy friends. Except this one was based in a super colonial-Nantucket looking island. And we were in the middle of a real life commercial about "Muck-be-gone -- the only way to make sure your house siding cleans itself". I was in a house siding commercial, but it was more like real life, not just a commercial. Anyways, one of my guy friends was there and I had a giant crush on him, tried to ask him out, he said he had some beer festival to go to, blah blah blah. I was heart broken. Then I saw a turtle. 

This turtle I saw? Totally messed up. It was trying to shed its shell. (Do they do that even??) But they way it was peeling it of was insane. Turns out dream turtles are like ancient sea creatures with about 50 legs that look like tooth picks. And those legs are only shell removers. And shells are peel-able. I didn't even know it was a turtle until its head reared over at me and hissed. I now understand why the Japanese are terrified of Godzilla, besides his size.

I also broke into my Grandma's house, smashed all her pumpkin cupcakes in order to form them into cookies. I was also doing this with the characters of South Park. Not real life versions, still cartoons. Just hanging out and trying to sneak smashed pumpkin cupcakes around my house. 

I have no idea what any of this means. 

A year in review

Wow. It's really been a year? Craaaazy. Last time I posted I was talking about ill-fitting jeans and Skittles (now that I think about it..those two may have had a correlation. Eff that, Skittles4Lyfe) I suppose I owe you all (all two of you) an explanation.

I've officially left Des Moines. Now living in the lovely city of Chicago. Circumstances changed in my life (which I'm not quite ready to discuss at this point. Give me about 12 beers and we'll talk). Worked an amaze-balls internship at Red Frog Events, and made so many new friends, and learned a LOT about myself. Currently unemployed, so I guess I have some free time to blog, and get famous and such (Jake Johnson, who plays Nick Miller on New Girl tweeted at me recently. Soak that up.) So I'm really going to start trying to be regular with this. Now, enough catching up, time for a dream.

To be honest, I'm not really sure what the eff happened last night in my dreams. The first half was one of my Chicago friends trying to make out with me, which is pretty weird (most of my Chicago friends assume I don't own real clothes, makeup, or a sense of hygiene, . Just kidding about the hygiene. But I really never tried to look good. Not so much a looker. oops) but I can't remember much. The second half was what got me.

I was definitely back in Ida Grove, shootin' some b-ball outside of the school (love Fresh Prince) when my ex-boyfriend and one of his best friends decided to challenge me in a game of two on two. I ended up teaming with a girl I played basketball with in high school (and she was dogshit. so bad.) I couldn't figure out how to change into athletic clothes. Don't get my started about the enigma that was my sports bra. Dream me couldn't figure it out. After about half an hour in dream time, I was finally laced up and ready to jam..only to find my ex making out with my teammate (bitch). I was like, "Who does that?!?" Ida Grove, obviously. The crazy thing is, is that the girl had recently gotten married, like a month ago. I brought that up, she just shrugs and smiles, and starts eating the face of my past man friend (she wasn't a zombie..yet) I do believe I was about to just go bananas on the court and throw down, but lucky for  ex-teammates dream face, I was awoken by my alarm.

I'm still really confused. I think it was the Trader Joe's potstickers I ate at 1am. Just a guess.

Taste the Rainbow

Best candy behind Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? Skittles. Hands down. (I don't really know if they are in the same candy class. Chocolate and PB are not on the same level as a fruit party in my mouth. Both are equally deelish though. Oral-gasmic if I do say so myself)


There's a difference between the two though. All Reese's are created equal. (equally tasty..) Skittles throw some bullshit at me though.

Purple and Orange Skittles.

Terrible. Straight garbage. The guy who invented those two flavors deserves a junk punch. They are the reason why I can't be monogamous with Skittles in the fruit variety of candy. I know some people like both the orange and purple Skittles, actually find them quite refreshing. You know who those people are? Dumb. (Sorry if you fit into that category. get some new taste buds and then we can be friends) I hate them almost as much as I hate Tyler Hansborough's eyes. (See Donkey Punch from past blogs) I guess to be fair to the crappy Skittles guy, I also hate orange flavored Starburst. If I wanted orange flavor, I'd eat a damn orange. (Cherry and Strawberry are soooo much better when they are artificially flavored. You know I'm right)


So to the dick-hole invented shitty flavors, I say good day.

Them Jeans...

Long time no blog. Apologies. Life has been a bit hectic. Which is what this post is about. Right now there are certain aspects of my life that I wish were different, wish I could change, but everyone has those, right? ANYWHOO...


You know that one pair of jeans that you see and you HAVE TO HAVE BECAUSE GIRRRRRRL THEY GONNA LOOK SO GOOD ON ME!!! (Thats totally how I talk too...) And I mean..they do look good on, or so I think. I got the booty going (It doesn't really take much for me to get that going though..) just struttin' my stuff down the street lookin all good. But whats going on behind the seams of those jeans (haha seams...kinda like scenes..anyways). They look good to the outside eye, but in all reality, they are a disaster waiting to happen. Like muffin top disguised under a flowy shirt, and you know that spot that gets all worn out where your thighs rub? (you understand if you have thighs like mine. My step-dad calls me thunder thighs. That was nice to grow up to.) Well that fabric is long gone, even after your mom has patched them a time or two (or five...) but you're the only one who knows that these pants are about to go to hell. Just don't bend down too much, or try to squat..but they look fine in the mirror...


Yeah, thats a certain aspect of my life right now. Looks great from the outside, but is all kinds of wrong that people don't see. I can't afford new pants either. Completely unrelated, but this is actually happening to my jeans too, which succcccckkks. (except the muffin top part..I don't have that. Maybe I should just buy pajama jeans. Those look nice. And no one can tell that they're actually a stretchy, lounge pants material. Yeah...those will work..and they come with some free t-shirts. Boss.)


Sorry for the depressing post..I tried to turn it into something funny? Not my best attempt


On a ligher note, I got a high score on a test! It was to find out if I had ADD/ADHD. High score. Still counts. Now I need to be diagnosed with CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) and I'll have a hall pass at work for naps and red rover (that would be the perfect life..get me some fooseball in there too..)


Here's a picture I drew during a meeting at work.

DON'T put a ring on it...

Ahh adult life. Graduating college. Growing up. Moving to new homes. Getting married. Wait...roll that back.


Getting married?!


I'm 22 years old, is marriage something I should really be thinking about right now? No. I should be thinking about how the hell I'm going to pay the rent as a server (unless I can talk my landlord into accepting delicious Italian food....) not to mention starting to pay student loans in December (shaking fist in anger). It's not like I HAVEN'T thought about getting married, I'm a girl for god sakes, most of us have been wedding planning since we were three. But I'm not about to get married right out of college. WHO HAS THE MONEY FOR THAT?!!!?! But props to the people who do I guess, and the ones that make it actually work, more power to you. On to the real rant though..


Two signs you shouldn't be getting married:
1) If I can't tell if you're wearing a prom dress or a wedding dress -- my first response to that situation: really?? REALLY?? really...*sigh* Are you really going have no regrets when you're 50 and show your potential kids the pictures from your wedding ("Look kids! Mommy had her wedding dress bedazzled!") I'm not saying sparkly is bad at all (I love sparkly things..thanks ADHD) but there's a limit on why type of jewels we're talking about, and there has to be a limit. Like I said, if it looks like something you pull off the rack at Von Maur (Or for us Western Iowans, JC Penney's) then you probably shouldn't be wearing it to your wedding. Just saying.


2) If your wedding album on FB is titled "~~**My WeDdInG!!**~~


....This one is pretty self-explanitory. If I have to explain what's wrong with this, you're one of those people.


I'm not saying marriage is wrong. Do whatever you want. I don't care. As long as I'm invited I'm cool. I tear a dance floor up. I was born for wedding receptions. I leave you with this:


Two reasons to get married (According to Gabi Miller)
1) Cake
2) Open Bar

Nickname Contest!

So, it has recently come to my attention that a few nick names have been invented for my by the few that read this blog on occasion. Thats pretty neat! (Please, Please, Please check out "Neature Walk" on youtube. totally worth it.) Some of the few are Rubber, and Mands. I'm looking for something a little more creative. Winner gets a prize!


....Lets be honest. It'll pry just be a butt pat or high five. But then you get to come in contact with my magical man hands..so it might be worth it.

It's not that hard..

I don't understand. I just do NOT get it.

Disclaimer: If you're not in the mood for a rant, then leave now. On second thought, why'd you even come to this blog then? All this blog is just me ranting. Dumb on your part.


Here I am, enjoying a nice evening of television, mindlessly staring off into the abyss. Then something really toasts my muffin. The movie "Shark Night 3D" is the next big thriller. Massive amounts of sharks descend on a group of friends partying for the weekend. (In order to even think of survival in a scary movie, you have to remember the rules. 1) Don't have sex. 2) I don't remember the rest, but not having sex is a big one. Anyone who has sex in a scary movie is 100% likely to die)


Rant time: Most scary movies have a villain that you can't escape. All the good ones do anyway. But Shark Night? SHARKS ARE THE MONSTERS?! How hard is it to escape a shark? They don't hide under your bed, or in the closet. They can't chase you into the woods. They can only survive in water. So how hard is it to escape a shark? Get out of the damn water.

Boom. Movie over.

But no, these kids are dumb. They go back in.

I just don't understand...Why America? Why would you see this movie. Why would you make this movie? Step up your game a bit..